Help Me Wolf Blitzer, You’re My Only Hope!

Holy Shit!  CNN’s approach to novelty ridden election coverage knows no bounds.  Jessica Yellin has been “beamed” into the studio via holographic technology.  I hate myself for even having said that, and I’m not kidding when I say that Blitzer actually said the word “beamed”.  It’s really pretty unimpressive, and I sincerely hope that this isn’t the future we were promised in such films as Minority Report and Total Recall.  Fuck you CNN, don’t take our sci fi dreams away from us.  Not like this.

First Results Coming in…

Update: So for the moment it looks to be a toss-up with Kentucky leaning toward McCain and Indiana heading in Obama’s direction.  So screw you Kentucky, each and every one of you is a racist prick!  Just kidding, only most of you are.

The first polls close momentarily, and it looks like but who knows how long it will take this post to get…um…posted.  The internets series of tubes are crammed full of I don’t know…votes, news, dead bodies?  Whatever, I guess it doesn’t really matter, the point is, things might not update as quickly as I’d like.

But for the moment I’m just looking for filler material while I wait for some results to post.  I’ll be updating this post shortly.

Go Out and Vote!

As today is one of the few days when your opinion actually matters to and for other people it’s important that you take advantage of it.  It’s also one of the reasons why I’ll not be asserting my own with the same amount of zeal you may be used to.  Today, I’m going to keep them to myself for the most part.  There are however a few exceptions.  For example, if you happen to live in Michigan you have the opportunity to vote on two separate proposals.  One to legalize marijuana for medicinal use, and another allowing for stem cell research.  They are, not surprisingly, named proposals one and two respectively.

Regarding proposal two, I encourage everyone to read the wording carefully.  I think you may find the decision is much less of a moral grey area than you may have originally thought.  Although my own feelings on it have not changed, I know of at least a few people who have been, up until today, admittedly misinformed, and who found the decision much easier to make than they’d thought they would.

That’s all for now, but I’m actually receiving live updates from CNN intravenously now, so there will probably  be new posts coming frequently today, so be sure to check back.

A Portrait of Big, Crazy, Badass Intelligence: Colin Powell

God damn it feels good to be right!  I called this endorsement several months ago, and I will never let the people who know me personally forget about it.  There’ll be no living with me after this.  Before I dive in, let’s have a listen to what smart people sound like when they’re talking:

Wow!  I think I just had an orgasm.  There you have it, smart people acting smart.  I couldn’t have said it any better myself.  And in case you haven’t read anything else on this site, trust me, I’ve tried.  The problem is that I tend to swear a lot more and I am not a decorated war hero.  Guess who else is not a decorated war hero.  Barack Obama.  But guess how much that matters any more.  None.  Because also guess who is a decorated war hero.  Colin Powell.  And he has just endorsed Barack Obama for President.

Alfred E. Smith Dinner: Hey America, Apparently the Joke’s on You!

If you haven’t had a chance to view the video from the event, or if you have no idea what event I’m talking about, or if you want to know, “Who’s this Alfred E. Smith, and why the hell am I so interested in hearing about him,” feel free to check out yesterday’s post.

Anyways, I promised to follow up yesterday’s post with a few thoughts, and I plan to do the bare minimum necessary to make good on that promise.  Not because I don’t love you, it’s just because at 5:30 in the morning it matters a lot less that I do.

So how fucked up is it that McCain and Obama basically said the same shit last night that they’ve been saying for the last few months, except that last night it was met with roaring laughter.

How fucking stupid does that make you feel?  Unless you are one of those moronic pricks who identify themselves as undecided, you’ve probably, at one point or another, actually cared about the things the candidates have been saying.  Well guess what.  Many politicians are sociopaths who don’t actually feel feelings about things.  They just talk about things with a certain tone to make you think that there is a critical decision to be made.  Don’t get me wrong, there is.  But since July, at least, I’ve been hearing all about how Obama is friends with hucksters and terrorists, and up until yesterday it was always presented with a sense of urgency.

Specifically McCain’s remarks about ACORN last night were fucking insulting.  Not because of what he said, but because last night, to him, it was a punchline.  But earlier in the week it was… well, something else.  Here, have a look

So it’s a huge, important deal when it’s a rally for his idiotic mob of supporters.  But when it’s a room full of politicians, reporters and other people who generally know a hell of lot more than you do about what actually goes on in the world of politics, it’s a fucking joke.

It’s important enough to spend time talking about it every other god damned second, even at the expense of substantive, meaningful discussions about actual issues.  So why now is it something to laugh about.

Look, I know that this was a roast.  It’s supposed to be funny.  But then don’t turn around and try to tell me how serious it is, and how concerned I should be about it.  If it’s serious, fucking treat it that way.  If it’s not, then don’t.

Honestly, the rest of it was pretty solid, and entertaining, and it’s nice to see that the two aren’t really at each other’s throats like they seemed to be at the debate, and this will be one of the few times that I feel comfortable saying that John McCain seemed very capable.  If being President were anything like being Dean Martin, he might have half a fucking chance.

So, congratulations John McCain, you are a very funny senator.

Also, well done President Elect Obama.

I usually don’t post on the weekends, but I am going to try to get something up tomorrow night.  Probably something along the lines of, Undecided Voters: Fucking Make Up Your God Damned Mind Already!

Alfred E. Smith Dinner: Rich People Have Debates Too!

So I’m going to be sharing my thoughts on the Alfred E. Smith whatever the hell that I didn’t even know was happening until I turned on the television five minutes ago.  Since I can’t seem to find a place where I can catch the part that I missed, which includes about ninety eight percent of McCain’s stand-up, the bulk of this post might not be posted until later.

Apparently, The Alfred E. Smith Dinner is basically the same thing as what those of us who are poor got to watch last night.  McCain getting that creepy smile beaten off his face by Obama’s silver tongue.  Except there was a lot more laughter, because rich people are happier.  Also, Bob Schieffer was inexplicably dressed as a Cardinal.  He still did a solid job of keeping the two from eviscerating one another.

I can’t say too much at the moment, because I haven’t seen the whole thing yet, but I’m sure that the highlight of the evening was when Obama showed his stand-up career had legs by making a joke about segregation to a room full of rich white people.

Update: Unfortunately, I’m not going to get around to finishing this post until later tonight, but I have managed to find some video for you to watch in the meantime.

Update 2: I’m not really sure what’s going on, but there is some problem with the embedded video right now, so here are the links to the McCain and Obama speeches.

Debate Night 3: Joe the Plumber, Your Opinions are Dumb

This comes in two parts, here is the first one

Would you favor controlling health care costs over expanding coverage?

Obama delivers a Joe the Plumber story of his own.  Not to be outdone McCain reminds us of the original Joe the Plumber who also can’t afford to provide health coverage for the employees he can’t afford to employ.

I can't be certain, but this might be him.

Wow, this Joe the Plumber guy must feel like a fucking rock star right now, all of our presidential hopeful’s efforts are targeted at him like a laser beam.  “Joe, I’ll take care of you.”  “Joe, I’ll feed and clothe you.”  “Joe, if you want my love, you’ve got it!  When you need my love you’ve got it!  I won’t hide it!  I won’t throw your love away!”

Joe wherever you are, make sure you vote for the right guy.  Since apparently your vote is the only one that matters.

Wow, maybe they could just shut up about Joe already and talk about somebody else.

So… I missed a portion of the debate.  My wife threw up because they wouldn’t stop talking about Joe the Plumber.

We started watching it again in the bedroom and I have to say I have never been more attracted to my wife than I was when she said in a low, sultry voice, “Why can’t they just debate the issues?”  Breathless, I replied, “I don’t fucking know, because reality TV has ruined America’s attention span, so now we only listen to conversations about flag pins and terrorism.”  We proceeded to engage in fiery, passionate, cavalier sexual behavior whose volume reached a crescendo with her screaming, “I’m voting Obama because he seems more presidential.”

Our bodies spent, we collapsed in a heap just in time to hear Bob Schieffer’s final words, “Now go out and vote!”

My god! They are nice.

It was as though we, rapt in our love for one another, were the storied Joe whose well being and plumbing business inspired good will and concern in both candidates.  Joe the Plumber, whose jeopardized future brought together politicians and people from all walks of life to work for the greater good.  Joe, a simple plumber who lives in all our hearts.  Moments later my wife added, “also, because he has nice teeth.”  And with that, my view of the world, our country, and its political process was restored.

So vote Obama, he has nice teeth.

Debate Night Thoughts: My Opinions are Dumb Too!

Here’s my debate post in two parts.  I tried to keep up, but things got a little wacky.  Read on!

Why is your economic plan better than your opponent’s plan?

Neither seemed to be saying mine is better in their first go round, but then McCain told a beautiful story about Joe the Plumber, who is apparently screwed under Obama’s tax plan.  Honestly, I have never been a fan of the “I met an average Joe who told me a heart wrenching story,” arguments.  And Obama’s was a pretty even handed response to Joe the plumber’s tragic tale.  My wife says that Joe the plumber needs to get the hell out of our debate.  I have to agree.  Both make somewhat reasonable arguments, but Obama does it without a creepy smile.

Guess what he's doing right now.

Won’t some of your proposals have to be cut due to the soaring deficit?

Obama borders on being too technical, even though I get it, I’m sure a lot of people don’t, and to them it probably comes across as equivocation.  McCain then answers with, another answer to the last question.  And then talks about energy independence creating jobs.  Kudos to Schieffer for keeping them on topic.  McCain goes on the attack again, but then…

Do either of you think you can balance the federal budget?

…Obama responds by doing the same.  Uh-oh, McCain called Obama on the whole, “more of the same,” thing.  It was very stern, and I am sure that it went over pretty well with people leaning his way.

“…even Fox News disputes it.”  Take that fuckers.  Then he talks about why he compares McCain to Bush.  Before Scheiffer has a chance to get to the next question McCain starts to get in the last word.

This is what a debate moderator looks like

God Bless you Bob Schieffer, Will you say to each others face the negative attacks launched by your campaign?

McCain plays the victim big time.  “Barack didn’t stand up for me when some guy called me a bitch.”  Then Barack makes the mistake of saying “100% of McCain’s ads were negative,” I’m not even sure if that’s true, but I haven’t seen anything other than that.  Quite frankly I could live with never having to hear the word repudiate again.  McCain is playing the victim card pretty hard.

Hell yes, this is just starting to get good.  But I can’t remember what the question was.

Ayers and Obama apparently served on a school board along with several non-terrorists.  He also represented ACORN and the US justice department in a motor/voter something and whatever.  I think that this may be the first time that Obama has seemed irritated.

McCain seems to be employing the tried and true implied impropriety,”Well what are we supposed to think if Barack Obama has gone twelve months without unequivocally stating that he would not rape children?”

Why would your running mate be better than your opponent’s…oh my god McCain is going to get slaughtered on this one.

Wow, that question was dodged pretty well.  Then something about autism, and then dividing Iraq into three separate…what the fuck am I even watching?

How much will you reduce America’s dependence on foreign oil (during your first term)?

Both seemed to have the same initial answer, which was to say none at all.  At least they were both honest.

There seems to be a standing difference between the approach that both have to this debate.  McCain is hitting all of the same talking points, except he is doing it harder than ever, and Obama is demonstrating that he has thought about this stuff, but borders on delivering too much technical information.

Taking a break for a minute… continued

This is Never Going to End

While doing a bit of research for yesterday’s article, I came across this.

AUTHOR: Bubba Apr.8,’08
Fear of Obama
IT MAKES YOU WONDER!!!!!!!

According to The Book of Revelations the anti-Christ is:

The anti-Christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal….the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, will destroy everything. Is it OBAMA??
I STRONGLY URGE each one of you to repost this as many times as you can! Each opportunity that you have to send it to a friend or media outlet…do it!

I refuse to take a chance on this unknown candidate who came out of nowhere.

Right, so anyways, this illustrates precisely the same problem that Bubba and all his idiot friends seem to have had since they realized there was virtually no chance that the comfortable, grandfatherly, old white man they all trusted so much was going to win.  They began to operate on the assumption that Obama is always lying.  They’re assuming that he’s only saying things that people like to hear so that he can sneak into the White House, swear in on the Koran, recite a few evening prayers, and torch the countryside.  This seems rather unlikely.  After all, he is only one man, and he is in his mid 40′s.  But as you’ll soon see, that is precisely why you should be afraid of him.

I’m going to leave alone the fact that the authors name is Bubba.  That seems too easy.  But the fact that he types in all caps, and uses about seven more exclamation points than is necessary really gives you the sense that somebody got this from that one relative that all of us have who mass mails her entire address book with whatever spam she finds remotely interesting.  You might be familiar with what I’m talking about.  The topic is usually something about how “my good friend made $3000!! DOLLAR sending this email to every1 she know!!!@#$”

Operating on a hunch, I did a quick BibleGateway.com search and guess what, the word “Muslim” occurs exactly zero times in the Bible.  Though there was no way to search the Gospel According to Bubba, so perhaps there are numerous references to Muslims, Trucker Hats, and NASCAR that I simply don’t know about.

Interestingly enough, there are exactly as many references to tranny hookers from beyond the moon as there are to Muslims.

So ignoring for the moment that Barack Obama isn’t even a Muslim, we still end up not giving a shit because the Bible doesn’t say anything about Muslims, anywhere, ever.  Moving on…

A fact that I think often gets overlooked is that the Bible was written literally dozens of years ago.  So, it seldom mentions our beloved US of A directly, and it has understandably sparse intersections with current events.  That starts to matter for two reasons.  First, the Antichrist is meant to be deceiving nations, which I doubt matters to Bubba outside of the one that he’s most familiar with; the US.  When you consider that the obvious implication here is that Obama supporters are the ones being deceived by his “persuasive language.” it starts to break down rather quickly.  Neither they nor their country had been conceived in the same millennium in which this dubious prophecy was written.  Except of course, if you consider the increasingly likely scenario that this is a fabrication created by Bubba himself.

Additionally, operating on these remaining criteria, nearly every person who has ever held the office of the President could have been the Antichrist.  Persuasive language is pretty vague.  In this case, it apparently means the promise of universal health care and a greater degree of transparency in government.  How devious!  Thanks be to our giant cloud surfing Lord that Bubba has delivered us from this trickery!

Now to the most troubling part.  Does it bother anyone else that the Antichrist would have “MASSIVE Christ-like appeal,” yet still manage to be Christ’s nemesis, as well as the bane of all mankind.  I admit, I haven’t attended church in quite some time, but Isn’t being Christ-like supposed to be the goal?  Perhaps I’ve been off the reservation a bit too long, but doesn’t the quality of “Christ-like appeal” occur at least occasionally among church congregations or pastors?  Certainly it is reflected in the selflessness of missionary work.  I’m just saying that maybe that isn’t the best qualifier either.  So we’re left with this:

The anti-Christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal.

Wow!  I really dodged a bullet there.  I’m not in my 40′s, so I couldn’t possibly be the Antichrist…yet.  But that leaves roughly twenty one million potential Antichrists in our country alone!  Well just to be on the safe side we should amend The Constitution to increase the minimum age required to hold the office of the President from thirty five to fifty.  And did you know that there is currently a candidate for president that falls safely outside the Antichrist threat zone?  His name is John McCain, and he supports whatever the hell you people want at the moment.  Praise be once again to our brilliant and bearded, smitemaster-in-chief, Almighty God!

Have a blessed day!

t3pm

A Portrait of Ignorance Part IV: Your Opinions Are Dumb

Granted, that title comes on a little strong, but it is certainly not as inflammatory as was Part III: Your Religion is Gay.  Part I and Part II are not necessary, but they do help to explain a lot of the crazy rambling I tend to weave into my posts.

So when we left off, I was letting somebody tell you all about how your religion is gay.  Because I would never tell you something like that.  I was taught that there are two things that one just doesn’t discuss; religion, and politics.

I think that’s sort of a stupid thing to say.  Because those are the two topics that tend to affect people regardless of whether or not they feel like talking about them.  Cancer is something that also fits that description.  Coincidence?  Probably.  Worth discussing ad nauseum anyways?  Why not!

So my whole reason for starting this series was to talk about a bunch of rumors that some girl was sending to all of her friends on MySpace.  I wouldn’t call what I’m trying to do “debunking,” exactly.  In some cases it’s more like I’m trying to discourage those rumors by showing that the number of facts one must disregard to make their truthfulness possible renders such a scenario very unlikely.  In other cases, I’m really not doing anything other than laughing at it, because to do anything else would give it credibility that it just doesn’t deserve.  In still other cases, I’ll go into detail about how the dumb MySpace girl clearly just misunderstood the quoted material, or the English language in general, or how humans communicate altogether.

So let’s go!

Actual verified quotes from Barack Obama speeches and interviews:

I very much doubt that any of these quotes were double checked as the author of the message suggests they were.  But I suppose it’s possible.

“You know, my faith is one that admits some doubt.”

“All people of faith –Christians, Jews, Muslims, animists, everyone– know the same God.”

“I believe there are many paths to the same place.”

(These are not beliefs of a real Christian)

You are an idiot.  I hate to keep falling back on that, but sometimes I am just at a loss for words.  First, Christians, Jews, and Muslims do believe in the same god.  They are all Abrahamic religions.  They are religions predicated upon belief in the God of Abraham.  So if you are such a “real Christian”, why don’t you tell me who Abraham’s God was?  What’s that?  I can’t fucking hear you over the sound of these facts punching your stupid face in.  The answer is: GOD.  With a capital G.  It doesn’t even fucking matter to me but come on, you Christians are so keen on that WWJD business right?  Well, far be it for an Atheist to suggest What Jesus Would Do, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t leave his fucking brain on the shelf collecting dust along with his Bible.

And yes, I am aware that I’ve done a poor job of masking my bitterness with religion.  But I’d like to point out, that my problem isn’t with people of faith, some of my best friends are Christians*.  My problem is with people who use their faith to justify abuse.  Or people who use their faith as a metric of humanity.  Or people who use their faith as a weapon, or a tool, or manual for fucking life.  But that’s another topic for another time.

*This is usually what racists say to defend racist behavior, i.e. “Some of my best friends are black/gay/etc.”  But in all seriousness, everyone in my family, including my wife, is Christian, and I get along with them just fine.

“We are no longer a Christian nation; we are now a nation of Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists.”

(Our forefathers fought and died for our right to be a Christian nation)

I could’ve included this in with the above except for the gross distortion of facts by MG (formerly MySpace Girl).  First, my forefathers emmigrated from Ireland and Wales in the 1800s.  Second, exactly two of my forefathers have fought in any type of armed conflict, and none died.  Third, neither of the wars in which they fought had anything to do with your right to do anything other than continue to live, and even then only if you are an archduke or a jew.  So fuck off with your sentimentality and your false patriotic bullshit.  It is an obvious attempt to stir up emotion in the same idiotic audience that is given to debates about whether or not wearing flag shaped lapel pins mean someone loves America.

Ridiculing Jesus own words in the Bible:

No it’s not.  See below.

“The Sermon on the Mount, a passage that is so radical that its doubtful even our own Defense department would survive its application.”

(Sounds like Rev Wright?)

No it doesn’t.  Reverend Wright said things like “God Bless America?  God Damn America.”  The two are hardly even similar.  Also, you’ve completely missed the point of this statement (this becomes a recurring theme).  He was giving a discussion, at a church, about religion’s place in a modern pluralistic society.  Since I know you don’t understand what I just said, it means that he talked about how big a role religion, of any orientation, should play in a society where not everyone even believes in god.  He was talking about ways that people like me could feel secure in a world dominated by people like you.  He was talking about maintaining a country wherein you can still have your religion, and I can still refuse to believe it, and we can coexist peacefully.  But you didn’t watch the video, or you would know that.

Well, I have watched it, and so can you, because here it is:

That’s only the first of five parts, because I’m not going to post five different videos in the middle of this article.  You can find the rest on YouTube.  They’re all there.

The point he was trying to make was that it might not be the best idea to take the Bible so literally.  You can find the hilarious results of refusing to heed that advice here.  The point he was trying to make is that there are a number of examples of biblical guidelines that do not hold up to modern day standards.  You know what, I had more stuff planned for this, and then I read a comment to this very same video on YouTube that sums it up perfectly.

I read the transcript of this speech so as to get a full contextual and unbias opinion of it and found that as a Christian there is nothing offense about it.

The crux of what he’s saying is to stand up for what you believe in and be aware that anything taken to the extreme becomes error.

Finding balance & commonality is the key to life and there’s nothing offensive about that.

Even with the spelling errors, the YouTube commenter is smarter than the MySpace Girl.  So there you go.

This is really getting old.  I am getting so sick of trying to keep up with the new ways that people can find to be narrow minded.

To be totally honest, I was thinking about just abandoning this series until I talked to someone last night who told me that she is “scared” that Obama will win.

Scared.  That was the word she used.  I tried to explain to her that there is absolutely no reason to fear either candidate, since Presidents typically don’t have enough power to do any real damage, except of course for the one we have now.  So if she can make it through eight years of warmongering and weakening of the constitution and consolidation of power in the executive branch, that universal health care and a renewed interest in diplomacy as problem solving tool is really going to be a cakewalk.  But she insisted that her sister had, “read his website,” and that, “some of the stuff on there…I don’t know.”  Not exactly a McCain endorsement is it?

And that’s what it’s come to.  Vote for McCain because how sure can you really be about Obama?  That’s their platform.  That’s it.  So here’s my reply.

You can’t trust Obama.  You can’t trust him any more than you can trust anyone else who isn’t you.  You can’t trust him anymore than anyone else running for president.  He says things that may or may not be true, but so does everybody else, but the odds that you are a human lie detector are relatively low.  So you can believe him if you want to or not.  But if you don’t believe him, at least, own up to the fact that you are basing that distrust on nothing.  Don’t blame it on what your sister read, or what you saw on Fox news.  Blame it on the fact that you trust old white war veterans more than you trust young black community leaders, for whatever reason.  Maybe you’re a racist.  Maybe you think he’s too young  Maybe his middle name scares you.  Maybe his last name scares you.  Maybe you don’t like his friends, or his church, or his pastor.  Maybe you don’t like people that live in his neighborhood.  Maybe you don’t like him because he used to smoke, or because he hasn’t fought in a war.  Just don’t pretend that any of your bullshit is predicated on logic.  Because it isn’t and because that is my fucking territory.  So don’t you god damn dare make totally baseless assumptions and call them logic, or facts, or reason.

Fuck it, series over!

Dear Stupid MySpace Girl,

Get the fuck off my planet!

Yours in Christ,

t3pm